Last month, at 36 weeks 1 day, I was induced and gave birth via c-section to beautiful baby boy. i named him Benjamin. He was 5 Ibs 3 oz, head full of hair, all 10 fingers and toes. He was perfect. But not long after birth he was having trouble breathing on his own. It was kinda expected yet not. You see, throughout my pregnancy, my fluid was constantly low, yet I wasn't leaking any fluid nor had any tear in the placenta.
Then at 30 weeks, the fluid was dangerously low. So they admitted me to the hospital that day and gave me 2 steroid shots, 12 hrs apart incase of an early delivery. Monitored his heart rate and had me hooked up to an iv and bp cuff. Miraculously the next day, the fluid returned and didn't go into labor. So in addition to the steroid shots, they prescribed hydrodiuretics they say that would help produce more fluids around the baby. I took them faithfully and was monitored every week by a high risk doctor to monitor fluids and his heartbeat, and MRIs with my own Dr. I increased my water intake to 3liters a day and was put on bedrest. So I had to quit my job. Every week up until 36 weeks little Benji passed all the tests with flying colors, I did too. I didn't have preeclampsia, no diabetes, no real issues besides the fluids.
So fastforward to the birth, as soon as I got feeling in my legs, miss requested to see my son. The nurses were reluctant but eventually at 2am they brought me down in the wheelchair. Soon as I got to the doors of the NICU, the Dr. Stopped me and said I couldn't see him yet. I demanded to know why and he started explaining. Basically my baby had air and fluid outside his lungs and was unable to come off the ventilator and they stabilized him. With that, miss had to wait till the morning to see him. So I didn't rest, just worried about the condition of my baby boy, around 8am I finally got to see him down in the NICU. He was breathing rapidly, and made tiny movements, under a heat lamp to keep him warm and he had a thin tube that pumped air to his lungs along with some little clear sphere round his head. Looked like a lil astrounaut, but he was my precious baby. The most beautiful baby I've ever seen. The first thing I said, " So that's who was in there!" Heh...and "you're perfect" A nicu nurse that was very kind came in and chatted with me some about how he's doing. I told her that I brought some clothes for him to wear, a cap, socks, onsie nb sized and immediately, Benji turned his head towards me and tried to open his eyes. I was so shocked that he knew who I was. The nurse giggled at my reaction and said ofcourse he does. She put on his booties and hat. Gave me alone time. Wasn't able to hold him for all the wires and sphere. So I placed my finger in his palm and immediately he gripped my finger. Every moment was precious and loving. The nicu Dr came in and explained to me that he would do procedure with artificial surfactant to open his lungs up and it should help close up the hole too. So I had to leave to my room.
From that point on, things rollercoastered from good to bad. The Dr told me that he developed an infection from the procedure and he seems to have BPD and its turning into chronic lung disease. That his chances aren't looking good. Hours of the nicu telling me that Benjamin is stable, then critical nearly drove me insane. I couldn't do much but pray and cry. Glad I wasn't alone, my friend Shelly was there and she stayed from beginning to end. Things got so bad, a new Dr. sedated my son and had me sign for procedures to save his life, involving going thru the umbilical cord and blood transfusions, a splint, all kinds of stuff. I wanted them to do whatever it took to save him. They finally said, they were at the limit on some oxygen machine at 90% and needed machine that was no, longer in el Paso. So they flew in a Nicu team from San Antonio to transport me and Benjamin to a specialty hospital for sick babies. They kept trying to transport him from the nicu machines to the transport ones but Benji's vitals would slow down everytime. He was hooked up to so many machines, supplying vitamins and minerals to stabilize his Lil body. It was truly shocking and horrible. I felt so powerless and unable to do anything for him while he was fighting for his life ina room full of support. Hours and hours passed as they kept attempting to move him with no luck. They had me and Shelly leave the room for a moment, like 45 mins. In comes the Dr. Who was there from the delivery and first day. He tells me after many attempts to resuscitate my baby, he didn't make it. Immediately, my body froze and was in disbelief as he explained more and more. I couldnt look up, then he said " well don't you want to go hold your baby before he dies?" I wanted to choke him for saying that. Ofcourse I do! I darted out the room and into the nicu. The horror scene of watching nurses give my baby CPR and chest thrusts, the machines flat lining and them asking me if I want to hold him, was devastating and will forever burn in my memory. I nearly pulled the skin off my face, dragging my nails down.
As soon as I held him, I let out monstrous mother yell into the floor as I struggled to not collapse. Numb, stunned, hurt, and sadness consumed me. God took my baby away so he wouldn't suffer. He rested in my arms eternally and looked so peaceful. Like " Mommy I'm alright now, Jesus has me" I don't know how long I held him, just cried and told him that I love him and he was strong. The whole nicu staff and San Antonio team were sorry and cried. Benjamin touched many people that day. Had him buried 10 days later and a memorial service where I read a poem and the pastor spoke along with friends.
My mother never came and ignored my calls and texts during the whole ordeal. But a little too late they found out. It still hurts, I cry everyday and miss you everyday Benjamin. I'm feeling alone Now more than ever, depressed, angry, sad, hopeless, my path is no longer lit, and my purpose is now questioned. My friends and family don't talk to me and have gone on with their lives, while I suffer in silence. So now I've isolated myself, unable to live, unable to eat nor plan anything and its nearly been 2 months since his passing. Sharing my story I hope will shed light on pneumothrax and Chronic Lung Disease in newborns at 36 weeks. I didn't expect any of this. My life is in the darkness, please send prayers and encouragement.
Thank you for reading my story.
Here's a memorable video of little Benji:
